*sigh* I can not describe how this day has begun. It's own little rollercoaster.

Last night I wasted laying in my bed in my jacket with the light on. I couldnt bring myself to walk out the door on a Saturday night. The night before I found myself playing what I call the sountrack of 2008. That just put me onto more of a rollercoaster. Throughout the years I thought I taught myself to be the stronge one even if it made me come off as stubborn. I don't know where my strength went this past week. Maybe it's all the build up maybe it's the sequence of events in such short timing or maybe it's both. I can't stand feeling this way. I'm embarrassed. I feel sick. I can usually pull myself together and face the outside world but even now as I sit in class not doing as I'm supposed to I feel myself falling apart. I keep seeing the past 6 years of my life excluding those who really don't matter. People say that if I make this one choice it will make the rest go away. They're so wrong. I know this. I can't understand other peoples views this week. How can you think you make any sense? None of this is rational. I'm always kept in the dark. I can't just let it all go as much as I'm told I should. Everything is just such a mess. I am largely at fault but I am not alone. I just wish this would end. I want to break all of your walls down. I want you to understand. I do not want to tear us apart any further. I can not read minds. I feel sorry for those who have been pulled into my mess. The past week I have felt myself getting weaker and weaker. Something needs to turn around. I need a happy ending but no matter what there will be major flaws. I know why I bother but as much as I hate to admit it it's pointless. Fuck being caught off guard. Fuck this mess. Fuck your wall. Fuck this feeling. Fuck this vulnerability. Fuck this weakness. Fuck the judgement. Fuck the distance. Fuck the stupidity. Fuck you.

I was alone, Falling free,
Trying my best not to forget
What happened to us,
What happened to me,
What happened as I let it slip.

I completed all the episodes of Freaks and Geeks

J: Why'd you bring your army jacket? It's nice out. Who do you think you are? Lindsay?
Me: I finished it! I need to mourn! hahaha

So sad... I need to find a new at home distraction



Matt's without a car so we haven't been able to see my best bro Nick
I fucking hate it

My job pissed me the fuck off yesterday more than ever
I feel like a need a week off after what happened
I'm not even going to go into it

I need a cigarette

Wednesday